My anxiety in the past month has become the most intense I’ve ever had in my life. I don’t have one specific trigger right now. Everything I do is fueled by it. I’m in a vicious cycle of creativity, work, anxiety, saying yes to everything and back to creativity and rinse and repeat. I haven’t said no to one thing this year because it’s all been so good to me. It’s been a great year for me.
In a moment of honesty, I’m afraid that this good year will end the moment I say no to something. I say no to something I’m potentially interested in and what if it’s the next creative endeavor for me? What if I say no and that was a once in a lifetime opportunity? I keep thinking, say yes and it will all work out. So far, it has, but I know I can’t keep doing this.
I feel like I’m constantly spinning, but able to get everything done. However, it’s driven by anxiety and beating myself up that it needs to be better. I’m trying to be a great employee, boss, girlfriend, friend, blogger, creative entrepreneur, freelancer, explore event planning as a sidejob, get back into photography, family-event planner and a better cook.
In my head I know that saying no is good for me. I know that being able to focus on 2 or 3 things and putting my heart into them is best. But I’m not able to focus. I know that I would be a better employee if I could figure out my new routine. I’m just surrounded my noise in my head so much that when I try, I can’t find the routine that works. Perhaps getting into work at 45 minutes earlier would help me. I’m going to try that this week and see if I can find my rhythm.
I’m at this terrible crossroad of being confident about where I am, yet the most insecure I’ve ever been. I’ve hit my stride and I believe in myself yet I’m wondering, who am I?
Since my anxiety has kicked in, I’ve had a obsession with locking my car. I’ve literally never not locked my car. Even when I was driving that 1999 Saturn that no one would steal if I paid them. Every night I have to hear my car beep-beep exactly twice and then I can fall asleep. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night and looked at it. It might sound weird, but I think this is how my anxiety has been manifesting itself.
Two weeks ago I woke up and the boyfriend’s car had been vandalized. I had woke up at 3 am the night before and checked my car. I felt so violated and scared realizing I wasn’t wrong to be worried. My obsessive thinking about my car is right. I need to be concerned. Now my anxiety is telling me that I should always listen to it because what would have happened to my car if I hadn’t been double-checking every night?
What if my anxiety is winning?
I don’t have an answer for any of these things. I need to talk to my therapist about how to deal with this new onslaught now that I am acknowledging it. A huge weight is lifting off my chest writing this. I’ve felt so alone because I know that truly no one else can take this away from me. I have to deal with it. Just knowing that someone else knows how I feel right now makes me feel less alone. I’ve been holding all of this in which I think is why I have been struggling to figure content for the blog.
I haven’t felt super happy, but I’ve also learned that happiness in general is hard for me. My personality is very happy and bright, but I struggle with overall happiness because I find my expectation of things is always high. Reality often disappoints me and I internally worry that if I am satisfied, what if I become stagnant?
I think the biggest thing I’m afraid to say is that that I don’t know. I don’t know what will happen if I say no. Nor do I know what will happen if I say yes. I’m just saying yes to everything because I don’t want to miss a thing, even if it means stretching myself thinner (Note: why can’t my body literally stretch thin?).
I feel like all of you are so much wiser than I am so really look forward to reading your advice and thoughts. I never take it for granted the personal things we share and sometimes, that’s what keeps me going. Knowing I’m not alone. You all are and continue to be the best.
Courtney Hardy
I hope your anxiety gets better. It sucks that you have to worry about your car in the middle of the night. I think we all go through hard times in life, and it will get better if we really motivate ourselves to be better. I really wish the best for you.
http://sugarcoatedbears.blogspot.com/
Rachelle
You look gorgeous friend and I’m so happy you are having a great. Remember life is a rollercoaster so things change at times but they will always be good again. I think you should check out TheMinimalist podcast called NO.
xo
Pinksole
Jodie
I feel for you with that anxiety. It’s terrible and overwhelming. I hope and pray you get the help you need, and are able to enjoy life again.
XOXO
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
Camille
I hope your anxiety gets better – anxiety is so terrible. Thanks for sharing this brave and honest post, and I love the photos. Great post, thanks for sharing!
Camille xo
http://www.cococami.blogspot.com
Kayley
I can relate a great deal to this very vulnerable post. I, too, find my anxiety manifesting itself by my need to lock my car before bed even though I KNOW I locked it earlier in the evening. I live in a rather nice neighborhood but cars are vandalized nightly. I’ve called the cops over a dozen times in the last 3.5 years because I’ve spied some jerk trying to break in to my car or a neighbor’s car. I don’t know why I get so anxious about this but, like you, I think my therapist may offer some insight. Hugs. This post resonated a great deal with me, and I’m sure it will with others as well.
Beka Johnson
My husband encouraged me to change my mentality about saying ‘yes’ to everything. He taught me that when I say ‘no’ to doing something I am in essence saying ‘yes’ to something else and vise versa. So for example, let’s say you get another opportunity to plan an event but it will take up a lot of time. You can say YES to a calmer schedule that will help your anxiety calm down by saying NO to the event.
That trick has been a game changer for me. I also think it just takes practice. AND lastly, I think Americans have a hard time just being still so we say yes to everything and that just isn’t really living.
Rachel Heffington
I hear your anxiety and I raise you a “you’re definitely not alone.” In my family we’ve always called those ceaseless, merry-go-round thoughts getting “the thinks,” as in, “I can’t stop thinking and overthinking and triple-thinking. In these situations (besides prayer and talking it out with someone) I find that the easiest way for me to deal with it is to think about what the worst case scenario could be, and how I would handle it if it was. Then, having already addressed the worst scenario and realizing I’d survive it, I feel more confident in laying the problem aside. As to saying no….that’s something I’m still figuring out and don’t have down. I found a Cheryl Strayed quote in my phone, though, that speaks to the situation in a thoughtful way: “No is good. ‘No’ is the power the good witch yields.”
I think that possibly, you could go off a “put on one the table, take one off,” basis to find relief? Maybe it’s time to put away something that did bring some happiness for a season in order to welcome new things?
Shira
You are so much wiser than you give yourself credit for. Anxiety is such a bitch and I hope your therapist can help you find some relief. It’s so exhausting to fight these kinds of things. I hope you can start becoming more uncomfortable with setting boundaries and saying no. Girl, be compassionate and gentle with yourself- you are doing your best!
http://asequinloveaffair.com
Emily
Just want to say I totally get it, I struggle with anxiety as well and sometimes it really kicks my ass 🙁 I have been trying to practice mindfulness and remind myself of things that are true and real to stop all the “what if”s that anxiety sends spinning around in my brain all the time. It’s not always easy but it does help! I hope your therapist has some helpful guidance for you, I know talking to my therapist always gives me comfort. xoxoxox
Autumn
This is how I felt before I started taking medication for my anxiety (I go to therapy too). The first month was pretty weird, but it was shocking to me how life changing taking medication was. The other thing I did was start simplifying everything. I started saying no a lot and then slowly started adding things back in to see what was really stressing me out (it was surprising because I didn’t realize how much some of the things were impacting me).
Either way, been there. It will get better!
Nada Qamber
I’ve been going through some anxiety myself and it’s for the smallest thing like meeting a good friend for a cup of tea and that’s something I shouldn’t really be anxious about. So I just breathe.
I’ve been rereading and relistening of Gabrielle Bernstein’s books and podcasts and she helped me through most of my struggles, maybe it can do the same for you?
I’m glad writing this post lifted some weight off you. It does the same for me when I write posts like this. It feels so good to just get it out there.
So girl, Alissa love, you’re not alone in this. You can do this. You got this! We got this!
All we have to do is focus on the love and light in the world and work with that <3 <3 <3
Lyddiegal
I wish I had some advice for you. I feel like my anxiety permeates every part of my life so much that I can’t imagine what life would feel like without it. But you know you want to work towards something better, and you will. There is a reason we say yes when we want to say no, the desire to keep up the momentum, because the moment you slow down, you might have to address the root of the problem.
Sarah | Shades of Sarah
Alissa. I don’t know why it took me so long to read this post, but I’m glad I did. I hope you’re starting to feel better. Like someone else said, anxiety is a bitch. Things in my life have finally calmed down some, but I’m not…happy? I’m not as sad as I was earlier this year. But I’m not feeling happy or fulfilled either. So I understand some of what you’re going through, I think. And I think you’re brilliant. My inbox and DMs are always open.
Gail Tiemann
Hello fellow Jayhawk! You are writing a story in your head about “what might happen if” and it’s causing you pain…. you need to write a different story in your mind. If you said no to an opportunity would you die or get pregnant? No. You would just make a choice and move on. That’s it. No drama. You’d just figure it out. So visualize that. I make a choice; I own it. I figure out what’s next. Done. It’s ok to try different things out in life and just figure it out. I HIGHLY encourage you to try some podcasts from Brooke Castillo at the Life Coach School. Today’s episode on Drama is excellent and perfect for this scenario. Good luck!!
Nicole
I always appreciate how open and vulnerable you are in your posts. Learning to say no is hard, but I definitely agree with one of the posters above that you by saying yes to one thing, you are already saying no to something else even if you don’t realize it. Also, have faith that this isn’t the only time these opportunities will present themselves. If you do a great job with what you are doing, more and more wonderful opportunities will continue to come your way and you can continue to choose the ones that fit you best. Good luck!
Nicole
Nicole to the Nines