While 2017 was all about growth and my friendship, 2018 I think is about accepting and embracing change in any friendship. My friendships are all in weird places right now. Good, but weird places. I’m in the middle of friends having babies and others (like me) making sure they don’t ever have babies. My friends are some of the best people in the world and we are in the 27-33 age range and I’ve come to realize a freaking LOT happens between those six years. I’ve found myself just wanting to keep things as they are, not allowing myself to acknowledge that things have changed.
I have an amazing group of ride of die women in my life that have been there for years. From childhood to college best friends, they have been there for everything and never given up on me.
Be Honest About Your Fears and Then….
In the past year two friends have had children and one has started the adoption process. I’m genuinely excited for all of them as they have started this new phase of their life. Selfishly though, my first thought was, how does this change our friendship? I got a little sad when I realized they weren’t going to be as readily available and probably no, they are not going to think that my freak-outs are as important anymore because they have to keep a human alive.
I sent texts of enthusiasm about all the sonograms, sent sympathy texts about pregnancy woes and tried to be there every step of the way. At the same time, I felt myself pulling back because of my feelings of the unknown. How does this change us? Will I see you as often?
Finally I just had to confront what my fears were with each of my friends so they knew what was going on. It sucked. It still sucks. But I had that moment with them and they realized where I was mentally. Every time this happened (now three times) I walked away knowing that our friendship was still a priority and felt even closer to them.
Own Your *&!^ Up – You Aren’t Perfect
Kara and I went to dinner for her birthday and I don’t know what happened, but we got into some deep stuff. Like really deep stuff. We basically had a friendship check-up over a very nice dinner. Sorry to anyone who was eating at Sienna in the Ambassador in Wichita because you probably saw me crying for two hours.
I’ve effed it up. Kara told me something I had done that had really negatively impacted her and well, was really rude. She was beyond gracious and let it go in the moment. However, we had this amazing moment where we talked about really hard stuff and what our friendship needed. What WE needed. It’s so easy to just keep having a very transactional friendship when you’ve been friends as long as we have.
Sometimes you need a friendship check-in to realize you aren’t so perfect. And speaking of realizing that you aren’t perfect…
Look at Your Own Life
While my friends are having babies, I’m throwing myself more into my job. I travel a lot and I am not as available as I used to be. The irony is that I am probably as unavailable for my friends are if I had a baby. I’m in a different timezone often, all-day meetings or miss things for a few hours due to flights.
I was really caught up in wondering how THEIR life was going to affect me instead of, hey, maybe my life changes are also going to affect that. It’s frustrating that I always feel like I am passing them or I don’t catch them in a good free moment.
Find the New Normal
I kept trying to fit a circle into a square or whatever the phrase is. I wouldn’t allow there to be a new normal. It’s okay if I don’t wake up and chat with everyone before 8 am. Jessica, Jennifer and I have learned that during the day, we use G chat instead of texting because they know I’m more available on that. I’ve learned that after 8 pm Jennifer is spending time with her S.O. Sarah I can most likely get a hold of before 7:30 am and weekend lunches work best for us. Madison is going to be awake at 5 am and talking to her cat and free in the evenings in her off season.
My point is this, I’ve learned that my schedule doesn’t work with everyone. Their schedule isn’t the same as mine. It’s okay if I see them a little less, it doesn’t mean we care about each other any less.
Find New Ways to Show Them They Matter
Through all of this, I’ve been learning my friend’s love languages. Because of that, I’ve been able to better communicate to them how much they mean to me. I wish I could do more of this, but I try once a month to do something that speaks to their love language. Friendship is so, so important to me and I want them to how important they are.
Last week I got to send surprise flowers, spend quality time and send a note of encouragement. Before I would have just sent text messages but I’m learning now that those are essentially meaningless. Anyone can send a text. Surprising someone out of nowhere with what they need? That means a lot and it’s not always something that costs money.
I think also being honest about how your needs have changed in your friendship is important to acknowledge. It can’t be just you adapting to the changes. It needs to be a partnership that recognizes each individuals needs and desires.
Truthfully, I knew that I needed to go through a lot of these friendship changes because I could tell we were just getting stagnate. I view friendship a lot more like dating now. Friendships need love, nurturing, time and communication. It makes sense, after all, these are some of the most important relationships in your life and they should be emphasized as much as a romantic one.
Rachelle
I think you and your friends are handling it very well. I do know exactly what you mean, I rarely talk to some of my best friends anymore. It is sad but it’s a whole new era.
PS: you look stunning in that little dress.
xo
Pinksole
Rachel Heffington
Thank you for highlighting this, girl! I experienced a ton of this shifting last year and feel like I’m gearing up for another bout of it now. And you’re right: we both contribute to the creeping separateness and it’s important that both parties work to overcome that and intentionally connect! I always love the time you spend on subjects that few others are discussing. Your posts give me food for thought!
Karly
Great post! I think constant friendship changes and struggles are just part of adult life – after all, we’re not all together every minute of every day in school anymore. It takes a lot more work now! I remember being the first one of my friends to get married, and it took a lot of time for everyone to understand that I/them were on a different schedule and at different points in our lives. I’ve kind of adopted the opinion that if it works out, great but if not then that person just isn’t meant to be a lifelong someone in my life. Just the way it works sometimes!
Stephanie
I have been LOVING your posts lately. I follow so many of the big name fashion bloggers–and while I do so mainly for their clothes–their content can be incredibly dull. Thank you for bringing some fresh, real content to the Internet (while having incredible style) 🙂
lyddiegal
I think you are 100% right that a friendship should be on the same level as any other relationship if it’s going to work. What is the point of calling someone a friend if you don’t talk, don’t see one another, and don’t know what is going on in their lives? Yet I feel like that is where I am with many of my friends. And they don’t even have kids.
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Dorota
You are right throughout your entire post. I also had to learn new reality with my friends. None of them have children yet, but I understand what you mean. Ever since we started getting into serious, “adult” relationships, most of my friends simply didn’t have time. I didn’t understand it at first, I was quite offended with them at first, each time any of them said she can’t meet me, because she’s watching a movie with her boyfriend. My thought process was like: what, she can’t watch it any other time? But now I know how cosy it is to stay home, hug and drink wine, so I understand them fully.
It’s great your friends still find time to meet and I think you adjusted yourself to your situation perfectly. Very wise post and I do hope we keep our friendships in good shape in years to come.
Dorota
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Courtney Hardy
I feel like everyone goes through this sort of thing, and that is totally okay. Life isn’t always perfect, and sometimes we just need to move on from a friend. I had this one friend who was going through a lot, and when I would try to help her she would get upset with me, and after a while I just gave up because nothing worked out, and she didn’t want the help even through she was hurting.
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Varuna Jithesh
Nice and Perfect looking outfit..