October 5, 2019 we were supposed to get married. Instead, October 5, 2019 I woke up alone. For me there were no dogs, no fiance, just silence. I reached out, stretched my hands above my head and took a deep breath. It was pouring rain. I thought to myself, “Can you imagine what an epic meltdown I would be having if I was getting married right now?” I had wanted it to rain ever since we broke up. All I wanted was for October 5th to be gone. It was tormenting me that so much had changed, I lived a completely different life and yet October 5th still hadn’t come yet. It felt like a weight on my chest. But that morning I was free from it.
I can’t tell you what the exact moment was that I knew I couldn’t get married. I exhausted myself outrunning it, but I don’t know what finally made me tell him I was struggling with some things. In some of our final conversations, he told me he didn’t think it was as serious as it really was. Surely it’s just cold feet. That’s what I thought too. I thought it was just cold feet, it’s just a lot of changes happening all at once. Surely I can ignore my gut? I knew I needed more time and that I wasn’t ready, but maybe I can just convince myself I’m ready?
I started googling the difference between cold feet and when to call it off in June. I did it in Google incognito, just to be safe. I didn’t want anyone to be able to see what I had searched. I thought maybe I was just worried about everything being perfect. Maybe I’m just worried about the logistics? I had become obsessed with talking to my coordinator about making sure the trash was taken out. Surely I’m not seriously wondering if this is the right decision… How do I talk to him? How would I face my family and friends? We’ve put down so much money, surely this can’t be what my gut is telling me. Right? How could this happen? How could I do this to us?
Realizing the difference between cold feet and something bigger came down to these two things:
- Cold feet is worried about logistics, elements about the day, not about the person you are going to marry.
- If you can answer the question, “If you didn’t have this wedding, would you still want to marry this person?”
- If yes, probably just cold feet about all the details.
- If you have to ponder, then it’s time to consider the larger situation.
You guys knew the plan. You saw the planning. You saw my best advice, my budget, etc. I thought about how on earth I was going to tell you. I wondered if maybe this was finally the thing that I couldn’t blog about. Despite these things though, I kept thinking, “I don’t want to have a wedding just to get married.” I kept thinking about what my life would be on October 6th. I wanted to crawl inside myself because I was ashamed that I wasn’t excited. I knew it wasn’t right. I loved him so much yet I knew it wasn’t right and those two things can’t co-exist.
” I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald
I went to therapy over the summer. Looking back I can’t believe the things I admitted to doing in the relationship. So many things I had minimized and overlooked, about both of us. There were themes that came out. But we were a great couple! Sure, there were things that both of us could improve on, but trying to justify something to your therapist doesn’t exactly go over well. I used those therapy sessions to start deciding what outcomes I wanted out of conversations. What is the goal of this conversation? What is it that we both need to get from this? Are you going to be willing to let there be awkward silence without giving up yourself to fill it? What do you want the rest of your life to look like?
It was during this time I learned that I was co-dependent. I had no idea who I was. I started reading this book and doing this workbook and it was life-changing. Life-changingly hard too. But it made sense. My gut was telling me not to because the Alissa that would be getting married isn’t who I am. It’s who I became to work in that relationship for what that needed, not for what I needed.
It was August. Two months before the wedding. That’s when it was officially decision time. I felt the days ticking down and I was so afraid of them. I needed more time. The wedding was forcing the decision. He said if I called of the wedding it meant losing him. It felt painful to breathe. I told him I had to contact people and start telling them it was off. I had to tell our vendors we weren’t getting married. We had a conversation. Then another one. Another. The outcome was that I needed more time and he said I’m either ready now or never, it’s we either get married this year or not at all. Many hard and tense conversations were had. He was mad I wasn’t emotional, but I had been processing it for months. He got angry, bitter, drunk, yelling, screaming, angry that I set a boundary and wasn’t backing down. I was afraid. I had to figure out where to live, what to do about the dogs. (It didn’t matter, he took them away from me when we had an agreement. I will never not have my name on dog paperwork ever again.) We tried to play it all out. I asked if he wanted to get married knowing I have doubts? Is it better to get married and then get divorced? If we took a break I would come back with new boundaries and it would be different. Could we make it work? All of these conversations I wanted to say I knew it was the right thing to get married, but I couldn’t. I wanted to want it. I wanted to be the person who was ready, but I wasn’t. I sobbed to my friends about wanting to want it, but I couldn’t. He thought it was an act, that I never loved him because it wasn’t possible to tell people the wedding was off if you really loved someone.
It ended badly. The last conversation I had with the person I thought I was going to marry was him telling me how much he hated me and he hopes I die knowing he always hated me for this. I just stood in silence. There was nothing I could say and I didn’t want to. He took the dogs away from me. The last text I got from him was him saying that I could forget about our dog agreement and he hoped I knew what it felt like to have something you love taken away from you. I knew it was said out of hurt and he wanted to hurt me. He was right, but he also gave up the only connection we had to keep and severed it I had no choice but to start to heal.
Life gets very quiet before all the doors open. I am learning that what can feel like loneliness is actually grace. Take rest. Find the strength within you. It will all change soon.
J. Lynn
During this time I had to dig into a strength that I didn’t know I had. Quite frankly, I don’t know if it was there until I had to absolutely have it. During the first week that I knew I had to tell him I won’t get married I had to Uber instead of drive my rental car on my work trip. I knew that if I got into the car I would drive into oncoming traffic. I couldn’t get out of bed. I experienced constant panic attacks. My friends had to deal with me in a state that I don’t even know how to describe. I thought it would be better for me to die than for him to know that I can’t marry him. Everyone would be better if I was dead I thought. It would be easier for the dogs to somehow be told I died instead of they were used as collateral against me and now I can’t see them. Sometimes I told myself I just had to get through the next few minutes, hours, anything just to say I could do it. Slowly the minutes became hours, then a whole day.
It’s a lot of work to cancel a wedding, you lose a lot of money. Vendors aren’t as kind as when they take your money. It’s draining to explain or not to explain what is happening. People feel entitled to weigh in on your life. Not to mention everyone talked to me about wedding planning so it was a slow call by call to people to say the wedding was off. Those weeks are a black hole. You suddenly feel raw, vulnerable and under a microscope. No one knows what to say. There isn’t anything you can say. Anything wedding related makes you hurt. Seeing someone else’s happy engagement feelings make you feel shame and failure. Everyone talks about the good parts of life, but no one talks about these moments. Not with actual honesty. They talk about it with the healing perspective of when life has worked out.
Well let me tell you, I don’t have that perspective. I don’t have my happy ending, but I do have this, I have the version of Alissa I really like. It would be a lot easier to write this from a penthouse with my super hot boyfriend making me dinner or something like that, but it’s me. I’m sitting in my home in pajamas and eating cheese. (Life could be a lot worse, I eat a lot of gourmet cheese now that I am single.) I haven’t been on a single date. I physically look different, emotionally I’m a different person. I’ve gotten to choose who I want to be in my life since the split. Every single person in my life has been a choice.
I used to be afraid to be alone. Now? I didn’t know I could feel fulfilled being alone. I don’t have time to facilitate a date and I’m not ready for that yet either. People have asked me why I physically look different. They can’t figure out why I’m glowing, their words, not mine. I miss the dogs more than anything, they are the one thing that makes me cry still. Daily I get to choose to find out more about what makes me happy, alive and where I want to devote my energy. It’s been the hardest and best season of life. I can genuinely say, “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been” and mean it. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy with him or before, but this is a brand new understanding of what makes me fulfilled and complete for myself, not for anyone else.
“Sometimes you have to lose yourself to discover who you might be. Sometimes what feels like breaking down is really just breaking free.”
Cristen Rodgers
And that’s where I am. It took me months to write this. Sometimes I would feel like I was ready but I had a panic attack and shut down. But today? Today I don’t feel ready for this but I need to get it out. Because I needed to read this when I was going through my situation, I hope that someday, somehow, someone reads this and finds the strength to make the right decision. You have more strength than you know and have so much more to give than you ever will experience if you are stuck and make the decision that feels easier. I can tell you that I wouldn’t have believed that such a heartbreak could result in me saying these things. Have heart, life is hard, but the strength you need to survive is in you.
Angela Bryant
Thank you so much for posting this! I wanted to hate him, in particular for losing control of his emotions and treating you in a way that only substantiated your doubts. Having re-read this a couple times since, not only was God protecting you, it looks like your ex fiancé has some growing to do with his own. As sad as it is to see the dog in the way he treated you, I’m super happy to know that you went through this now as to single individuals, as opposed to being bound by the institution of marriage. I personally don’t believe in divorce, and would not think twice about stopping a wedding if I have a kind of doubt that you expressed. I only intend to get married once, so if my fiancé begins to show his you-know-what… I’m out! As far as your appearance goes, it is visibly apparent that you have been through a battle, to me, you look a little more seasoned… And it looks good on you! There’s a maturing process that you have gone through, and although you may see and feel scars, your viewers see a woman who has leveled up in the most painful way possible… And will continue to be inspiration to others. Your pain has officially added another layer to an already established platform, and you have no idea just how blessed you are because of it. You were all in good time, but until then continue healing, continue reading, and watch just how quickly God restores everything that you felt you lost (minus the emotionally fickle fiancé). You mentioned that everyone in your life is a choice now, that discernment, having gone through a very similar process myself… Will spill over into various areas of your life. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself discerning your way into a new job, a new city and a whole new way of life! The warrior of a woman you are today demands it and your spirit won’t let you settle for anything less at this point. As an avid fan, I thoroughly look forward to watching you grow, I hope you continue to take the time to document your journey.
Rachelle
I’m so happy for you, happy you could make such a difficult decision. You may feel awful for a while but you will look back one day and be so grateful and amazed at your strength.
xo
R
Meg
Thank you for being so raw and real in this post! The internet needs more of this and less of people sugarcoating their lives. Everyone goes through things like this and they need to know they’re not alone.
I’m so glad you did what was right for you and are on your way to being an even better you! <3
Karen
I’m so proud of you and making this choice for YOU. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I can’t wait to see you grow! 😊
Karly
I can’t imagine the heartbreak and pain that you have endured throughout this year. You have so much courage to share all the ugly here, in addition to simply having the courage to recognize that something wasn’t right. I’M PROUD OF YOU! While I’m sure you’re still healing – and will be for quite some time – I’m happy to see that you are finding yourself and in a better place than before.
Just sayin’,
Karly
https://www.whatkarlysaid.com
AJ
Girl, HUGS. All of them. I called off a wedding in my 20s and it changed the whole course of my life. It really is such a difficult emotion to explain but I love that you wrote this for the other girls who might be googling right now!! I’m so sorry about your dogs. I would be heartbroken.
Reese
I’m glad you are happy and healing. I went through a bad divorce. I left him because it was a bad situation and left in a hurry. But he was also blindsided with my decision. I understand the feelings, the crying and devastating emotional strain. But I also know that words are spoken out of hurt and despair on both sides. I to lost my dog in the divorce, I missed her dearly. But as much as I wanted to see her that meant I had to see him. That would give us both false hope and we did not need to see each other and know each others business. You have to remember they to are going through hurt and despair they will say things out of hurt and anger but they are trying to heal too and process their loss and the embarrassment of the breakup. I have been on both sides of a breakup. And we have to show the other person grace, no matter how hard it is. They do have feeling too. Good luck on your new adventure.
Dana Mannarino
You said this so perfectly. Really proud of your strength for opening up like this!!! Sending you SO many positive vibes.
lauren // laurenalforddesign
Kudos to you! I also had a broken engagement many, many years ago and literally thank God that it happened so I could have the life I have now. So proud of you.
Naomi
I am glad you’re happy. There is nothing worse than going along with something just because you feel like you have to… especially something as important as a marriage.
Beautygirl24
Alissa, all I can think right now after reading this is how fortunate you are that you didn’t go through with it. I know people who regretted getting married almost the moment it happened, and that’s so much harder to work through then never having gotten married at all. It sounds like trusting yourself gut was the right thing to do, and even though the pain was severe it’s amazing to hear that you’re happy and doing well. Thank you for always being brutally honest. It makes an impact.
Hugs,
Noelle
Dana
Alissa, I am so sorry to hear of your painful breakup, but the fact that you put it out there for other girls who will unfortunately be in your shoes one day is so powerful!
I was one of those girls in your shoes 5 years ago…he was a wonderful guy who took the breakup as well as you could hope, without the anger and bitterness, which made it that much harder to get over him and our life we had together. I wish I had this post back then for some consolation! It is such an insanely difficult thing to go through, and everything you wrote is so on point, exactly how I experienced it. You feel like you can’t breathe. I couldn’t operate like a normal human being. Our lives were so intertwined, and I had to remove myself from a lot of joint friendships, and like you said, find myself and my own life. I wondered if I would regret my decision, because he was such a good person. It took me at least a year to not have random crying sessions.
But, as someone who has been there and wondered if it will ever get better, I’m here to say it will! Five years later, I found someone who is so right, and we just got engaged a few months ago. I didn’t have that initial feeling of anxiety when he proposed like I did the first time. Girl, when it’s right, it’s right! Your gut knows best. Just know you aren’t alone and you aren’t a monster for it. Sending all the love to you.
Patricia Fuller
I knew this post was coming, and I felt myself getting a little anxious anticipating the read. My heart has been yours almost since the day I “found” you. I felt a connection to you almost immediately, yet I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Slowly I realized it was your beautiful soul, your confidence, your spontaneity, your personality. It just shines through your writings. When I finally saw a video of you talking, it all hit home. This is a younger, more confident & certainly stunningly gorgeous version of me! That may sound corny, but it is what it is. Since then I’ve read & re-read your posts. A lot of “uh-huh’s” were thought, & “oh yeah” were spoken. Then we have this post. I can not tell you how proud I am of you for following your gut. In this day & age so many people forget it is the one fool proof connection we have to our inner beings. For you to stop & listen, & finally take action, took an extreme amount of courage. Something I truly don’t feel I could have done, but you did. Admitting what you went through here in black & white, sharing all the hardships, all the disappointments, and certainly all the big decision. You are one strong, smart cookie and I love cookies! And donuts. I’m sure the true healing will happen later, as you have a chance to think & rethink your decisions, to look back at times you might have misread, what you have learned from that. Years later you will look back & realize what you did took so much courage, so much strength & you will be so proud. This, I know for a fact. Hang in there sweetie, so many love & adore you. I, for one, am a HUGE fan-girl. Yes, even at my age, that is possible. I mean, come on, look at who you are becoming! Chin up, hair tousled, big beautiful eyes bright, & that smile you own, let it shine! For you are, Alissa. MY gf. MY soul sister. My amazing friend. Love you dear.
Patrick Weseman
Glad that you made the decision for yourself, that is the thing. I got married to my first wife and there were a lot of big neon Vegas signs that said NO and my gut said no also. It was a hard lesson to learn as we got divorced six years later with two kids.
I don’t regret having my kids and I love them very much but the emotional pain we all felt still lingers to this day almost 20 years later.
Alison
Oh Alissa I’m so proud of you. This wasn’t easy but it sounds like you did the right thing. Much love and strength to you my dear
Anna C
I’m so sorry you had to go through such a difficult time, but I’m also so happy that you made the right choice for yourself. I can’t even fathom how hard it must have been. Sending you so many good vibes for this next season of your life!
Aly
Thank you for sharing your story. You always show up exactly when I need it. I hope that you are doing well.