Un-becoming Who I Was So I Can Become Who I Need to Be at 29

I wrapped up my 2019 therapy sessions with this statement, “I’m in a place where where I fully believe that I have un-become what I thought I should be and have become who I was meant to be in the first place.” 2019 and being 28 did not end in the way I thought they would. They ended better, but not because things were just going along swimmingly. They ended better because I began the work to become who I need to be.

Today I turn 29, but 30 is actually what is on my mind. I’ve always been afraid of turning 30. (Pretty sure that has been well-documented around here.) The thought of 30 to me meant having to start over, finding a new identity during that decade. This fall I had this thought, ” Maybe I’m becoming the person I need to be at 30 for myself and I’ve been afraid of it because I knew I wasn’t who I needed to be?” I think I’ve spent too long focusing on who I thought I needed to be for everyone else (ahem, co-dependency).

I think at a certain point at 28, I realized I was performing off expectations I had for myself. Extremely unrealistic expectations, setting myself up for failure and inevitably sending me reeling because I failed to fulfill these expectations. I spent a lot of the last months of 28 working through those tendencies to need to prove I deserved love. (Again, please read this book if you struggle with this) It feels impossible to believe me just being me is worthy of love. I often feel like I have to prove this whether it’s going above and beyond (when it drains me), adding more to my plate to prove I can do it while denying feelings of burnout, etc. I’ve learned I can do those things that are extra or above and beyond, but only if they serve to fuel me and provide something to gives to me, not takes away.

What if, just what if, 29 was spent becoming who I need to be for myself and I’m still what others need too? What if this was the year I realized I do have inherent value just as I am, without being “on.” I feel like I’m protected when I’m “on.” It’s safe, it’s comfortable and I don’t have to grow. I can walk away knowing why I’m loved because I did (blank) and (blank) which equals love. Bam. 1 (me doing something)+1 (me doing something else) =2 (being loved) (I hope my Dad reads this and is proud I referenced even the simplest math.)

I do think you can see a little pain when you look at me. You can see there’s been some wounds and I’ve caused some hurt but I’ve had to give myself permission punish myself for them. A reader commented last year that I did look a little weathered, but it suited me. I think I physically look a little different and this is a way of being able to say I know when I started looking like that. I know what went into that change emotionally and physically.

And just because I’m using a lot of “me” doesn’t mean I forgot about the collateral damage which also happened. But I know every single person has choices in how they respond, how they heal. When there’s a break-up, you both are given the same choices about how to deal with the process. My ex had sent me a note that it was unfair that he was waking up alone on Christmas. Guess what? I did too. It struck me as I was driving home on Christmas how two people can respond to things so differently. It doesn’t take money or other resources to start the healing process. Yet some of us don’t because that gives them a role to play. The victim, the hurt one, etc. I realized on that drive, once again, that the only thing I can control is how I react to situations. I can’t control how anyone perceives me, thinks or reacts, but I am in control of how I react.

Here’s what feels right:

• It feels right to know when it feels wrong and letting my gut guide that process.
• The happiness I feel from every single thing in my life because I’m able to see the good from it.
• The clarity I feel in silence and I seek it out to learn more about myself.
• Sharing a version of myself that I wouldn’t before.
• Allowing myself to find out who I am. There’s many things that I now ask, “Do I like this?” instead of just instantly shutting it down and saying I don’t.

I’m excited for 29, I’m hoping to add it to one of my favorite ages. (22 and 25 currently are my favorite ones) I’m hoping for more growth but also the ability to be okay with just existing if that is what I need to feel in the moment. So cheers to unbecoming who I was so I am become who I am and exploring that during my 29th year.