The Alissa You Don’t Know

I’ve been blogging for almost 5 years. It started out as my place to document where I was in college so I could look back and see where I had come from. I never expected to  be here, five years later, and be able to look at some of the most tumultuous, thrilling, sad, heartbreaking and exciting years of my life. The premise of this blog has always been my story + outfits. It’s been that way since the beginning and I found comfort in that formula.

I realized though, that most of you guys aren’t necessarily here for the outfits, the details of what I am wearing, etc. You’re here for the story. You’re here to read the words that I write and share personal details of my life. Depression, weight gain, venting, all of that and more. You’re here for me. In a weird way, I didn’t want to recognize that because I felt so much pressure that if you were here to read my story, I would let you down. I’ve been struggling with that realization this year, which is why I’ve been so inconsistent about posting. I’ve been worried that if I didn’t post what I thought other people wanted to read, I would lose you.

So much of my life has been wrapped up in the identity of “blogger”. It’s helped define me when I had no idea who I was, but I could and can always say I am a blogger. I want to continue to be a blogger, but also show that I am growing. I feel so stifled by saying, “I’m a style blogger.” I want to be so much more than that. Life isn’t one-sided and neither am I.

I’m 25 years old, not 20. I know who I am and I know what I want to talk about. I want to not be surface-y, I want to talk about money, relationships, pain, happiness and why I love life. I don’t need to present my story with an outfit. You all have trusted me, read daily and supported me for years. You deserve to know who I am outside of what I am wearing. My guess that you have also been bored with what I am wearing because you know there is more to what is happening than just clothing.

In 2017 you are going to see much more of who I am. After a horrible 2015, I spent much of 2016 being cautious and guarded, afraid that the happiness I have been experiencing would go away if I said anything. I had to find my footing again before I could feel like I had anything to add to what was already being said by others. Being able to share things like my home, home decor and other things that weren’t as “outfit” inspired were well received by all of you and it made me feel that I am still in my safe space of sharing my life with you all.

I feel a sense of relief writing all of these words. I feel like in a sense I’m telling hey, you’ve known past Alissa, but you don’t know current Alissa. I’m biased, but I am pretty excited for you to know who I really am and share what has shaped me into who I am. Yes, that involves pain, sadness, happiness and also some of the greatest people I have ever known. I’m emotional writing this because I’ve felt this nagging feeling for months that I need to say what’s happening. Maybe I can help someone else. At the very least, someone else can know they aren’t alone. Because if I have learned nothing else from blogging, I have learned that sometimes you just need to be the one to say something hard and from that you realize there’s a whole world of people saying the same thing, but sometimes they need another voice to say what they are feeling before they have the courage for themselves.

The original purpose of being able to look back at where I came from has never left this blog. However, the story of who I am has changed and I need to be able to look back and see who I am at 25 just as much as I needed to look back at myself in college.

Thank you for letting me have a safe space that I share with you. Thank you for supporting who I am, even when you didn’t know you were.

2017 is going to be rad.